| Expecting !!! |
[May. 21st, 2008|03:28 pm] |
Well, for those of you that do not know yet, Benji and I are expecting a baby boy this October 20th. I will try to get an ultrasound pic up here soon, (that is if I can remember how to put up pics!). He is currently 9 ounces and has some fricking big feet man! We just found out today that our baby has a johnson, so we do not have any names picked out yet, but now we can buy clothes and stuff! Yeah!! I quit smoking after 20 years thanks to this baby, and that is going well.
Also, I have braces on these teeth of mine so now Iook like a knocked up 16 year old nerd! He he.
Everyone else at the house (animal children) are doing well, our seven month old kitty brought back her first bird this last weekend, and then another one the next day. (Our cat can climb trees!) Between the three cats, they have brought home all kinds of creatures (including snakes, giant earth worms, giant grasshoppers, mice, birds, moths, and assorted bees, spiders and flies. Gross.
Well that is all for now because I must get going, got babies to feed. :) |
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| hola mi amigas |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
As it has been years since I took spanish class, I may have spelled that wrong. What the f is up with this suddenly slanted writing? Perhaps I just should have had a v-8 today. Still no internet at home so I am sending this via mom's computer. Just thought I would update a little as I have been MIA for quite sometime.
1. Love life is great. 2. Just sent off last two kittens to new home. There was five kittens in all in my house as of recently thanks to a young cat we have. Now I have Brownie cat, Cookie kitten (brownie's daughter), and Jezebel. Koho my dog is getting on in years and recently had a stroke or something because his left eye is droopy. Other than that he is doing well as always. Also harboring three mice who needed political asylum from the empty house they were found at. Will be setting them free in new field sometime soon. 3. Got my disability, so now I can kind of pay my bills. kind of. 4. Working on some serious detoxification to see if I can clear several problems at once: endometriosis, IBS, rhuemetoid arthritis, interstitial cystitis, Wilson's syndrome, allergies, asthma, weight gain due to bc ring, insomnia, muscle pain, and lesions on my brain. All of these things are interestingly related, and therefore there is help to be found with a very good detoxification and then herbal supplements for remaining problems. I sincerely hope that by this time next year I will feel much better all around. I have already lost ten pounds and feel slightly better. 5. Busy learning as much as possible. That means lots and lots of reading. 6. Writing here and there for books and poetry. 7. This last summer I pushed real hard and as a result: I made my first ever herb and vegetable garden; babysat a little bit; painted a storage shed in my back yard, did physical therapy for four months; filled out mountains of paperwork; went and got molds and xrays done so that I may get braces, went camping, etc... My herb garden wasn't the snazziest but I learned ( I learned how much F-ing work goes into it!). My shed looks rather nice if I may say, learned that the proper tools make all the difference in the world about how hard something is and the end result. Was really scared of physical therapy due to horrible experience with HealthSouth, but it was actually good and I accomplished more than I had hoped. Learned to walk again with my feet facing foward instead of to sides. I also got a tens unit which helps with localized pain episodes. Should get braces on soon. Camping was not long enough, but still good. I studied so much on herbs and edible wild life that I was able to identify several medicinal herbs that grow naturally in my yard and that was pretty cool. 8. Lest I forget, last year I also got to help my cat give birth and then a month or so later, I helped the neighbor's dog have her litter of 7 puppies. She had most of them breech so I helped her pass them, get them cleaned off, and pinched the umbilical cords as this was her first litter and a couple of them she chewed a little too close. I know it sounds kind of gross to be dealing with all the blood, amniotic fluid, birthsacs, and placentas but it was actually quite beautiful and fullfilling. It is satisfying in an indescribable way to help bring new life into this world and care for both the babies and the mommas. 9. So, all in all, very happy times!
Hope all of you are doing well too! |
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| The incredible disappearing and then reappearing not as dramatically as one could hope Akasha |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|06:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | surprisingly none | ] | I just now got my internet back up folks. It has been a crazy time for yours truly. Some highlights include:
1. Lost afformentioned nightclub business. Totally fucked financially.
2. Getting divorced.
3. Trying very hard to get money making endevours underway so that I may support myself dispite disabled non working status.
4. Have a boyfriend (although I call him "evil temptress" as opposed to boyfriend)
5. Lost my house, will have to move as of January 17th, therefore will be busy as fuck trying to get all this shit organized and packed. No idea where I will go yet. That is LAME.
6. Found out my application for disability was denied nine motherfucking months ago, and SS never bothered to tell me. Therefore, my appeal time went up, which means that I could have been collecting my disability for months now... but no... they fucked me big time. Having a heck of a time getting any financial assistance from these organizations. It is a wonder that more people don't starve to death in this state. It now takes one month just to get an appointment to get food stamps. Just to get an appointment to talk to someone to see if you qualify. So, word to the wise, if you are going to be poor anytime soon... somehow you better know it well in advance so that you do not starve. In other words, develop those psychic powers people!
So there you go, a short explanation for my long absence. I will write more later, but for now I must go and try to sort through the nine million emails I am sure have been building up in my box. Hugs and kisses to all save for the smelly people. ;) For them I reserve a wave and friendly smile from a distance. He he. |
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| All the Ropes Ended Here |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|06:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | haujobb Nature's Interface | ] | Kept having these visions, of all these ropes coming from my past leading to now, where they all converged into a single one and then ended. I am in the dark and I see no future ropes.
Keep having these urges, to cut spirals into my arms and legs. I don't. I still think about it.
Keep having this urge to leave, to drive away, go somewhere far away and start all over. Then I remember that I have no money and my car is not registered, and where exactly would I walk to? I cannot outrun this pain.
The fire inside grows so dim. All that was passionate and full of life and hope is slowly rotting away in this place. Like wise beings the observers of this ghost phenomena back off so that they will not go down with it. Fading slowly out of your lives and consciousness, she goes feeling like an animal who knows it's time has come and finds a secluded corner far away to pass away and be torn asunder by scavengers. The others do not speak her name lest they call up some evil spector of a life gone awry. They go on with their lives, dreams, hopes, and passions that no longer have a place for her. She feels not much surprise that there is no attraction towards her because she no longer has anything to offer. Even the blind can see emptiness. Who is there in the darkest hour? There must be no such thing as karma, because for one who has devoted so much of her life to being there in others most desperate time of need, she looks around and see no one.
"How carelessly the bound daylight caresses Oblivious to wandering eyes extinguished Free me reckless with the night Elusive scenes enkindled burst to fire Where splendor casts umbrageous twin And love sparks radiance To guide the heart from within All in search for you Eve of brilliance Till the morning proves indifference For the sparks die Leaving shadows in my vision How dutifully the dull sunlight chastises Adopted wings that dare arise with promise Incandescent I represent Pandora's uninformed enlightenment And fears that creep about my flame Evanesce until the dawn calls them Home again bearing thoughts of you" Sparks by Faith and the Muse |
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| oh you know, the usual psuedo poetry and horoscopes |
[Nov. 12th, 2004|08:46 am] |
Outside I stand barefoot and cold smoking while contemplating...
There is this plant that grew wild in my yard in the midst of rocks- within the harsh flavored environment
With no water in the drought of this land... yet it grew the most lovely purple blue flowers
As time went on, they gradually died and yet their skeletal form still remains- yellow reflections of their former loveliness
As I watch each day, more of them die and yet there are still some despite the cold that are bright, purple, and lovely
Standing as symbolic reminders of you and I...
there is yet still life- At least in my yard
( Read more... )
And... after writing the entry on November 11th, I found this in my email inbox... my horoscope... for Friday, November 12:
If you've got a creepy feeling about someone or something in your love life, don't ignore it. You're much more intuitive than you give yourself credit for -- especially right now. Coincidence?! I think not!!! *laughing* |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|08:53 am] |
My comp was seriously fucked up recently, and as such I have lost my yahoo messenger temporarily. I managed to get my msn messenger back up. So, for all my LJ friends that I usually talk to only on Yahoo, this explains my absence. Yes, that means you Stu and David. Please bare with me, hopefully I will have my yahoo back shortly.
Keep it surreal Kittens. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|11:26 pm] |
I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Finally. Months after someone...
I cannot even express everything I am feeling right now. But I feel a little sad, or maybe a lot sad.
Went outside after it was over to smoke and was crying, and I saw two foxes running in the dark alley together. An automatic light came on (motion detector if you get too close it shines the light), which startled one of the foxes into running away. Then, because the dogs in the yard next to the alley saw the light they noticed the foxes, and came over to bark and act intimidating and make sure that the foxes knew who's territory they were near. The one fox that did not run in another direction and go hide just went in the same direction (although quicker than before) and went around the building to wait for it's friend. After a couple of minutes, the fox that hid figured out that the light and the barking dogs were not that much of a threat and came back around (albeight a long and windy path), to meet back up with his friend. They ran off together and I lost sight of them.
Once again cosmos, got you loud and clear. Now I think I must go cry some more. |
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| " _-_-_-_-____________" |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|09:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Old Souls Faith and the Muse | ] | Woke up today with the "ah, not this again" feeling. Felt drenched with a cold bucket of reality. I immediately wanted to escape. The sight of the familiar was an annoyance.
Went outside to smoke. Noticed something strange lying on the cement wall of our front yard. I walked over there and there was a plastic ball attached to a chain lying there at my feet. (My cement wall is at yard height, so it can be walked on). I looked at it in puzzlement. Wondered who put it there and why. Thought it was kind of funny, but the other extremely quiet and withdrawn part of me won over and I just said "How strange". Most people I think would just dismiss this as just a moment not worth thinking of. I am not most people. I feel everything says something. I believe that the universe communicates through symbolism. Could take it literally, and it fits. I woke up feeling that consciousness was a ball and chain. Had the actual thought a little while after that "I grow weary of consciousness".
Realized that many times before when I slept for a long time,(today it was twelve hours), that I wake up feeling this way. When I sleep for a long time I usually do not wish to return to this place, and feel a little disgusted when I do. When I sleep for a long time I start to have really vivid dreams. I lose all sense of "self", and memory of "reality". When I wake to find myself in this identity and this life again it is disorienting. I feel at times like this that life is pointless. I feel that I am walking around in a dreamlike state at this moment. Asking myself why I am here. It feels remarkably freeing to move from world to world in dreams and not have a set identity. Then I wake up in a box.
"I grow weary of this place, when will we return to transexual, huh?!" Magenta
As I stood on the cement wall in my jeans, half-shirt, and jacket I felt cold and warm at the same time. There was not a wind to speak of, and the sun was out. Facing the sun I felt warm in places, and at the same time felt cold on my feet, at my nipples, and various other strange spots that were covered by clothing and should not have felt cold. I acknowledged that this was a handy symbolic way of describing the internal state of being as well. I could acknowledge that the sun felt nice, that the tree above me was beautiful and full of seeds waiting to spring new life, that the grass was soft and beautifully colored, that stretching and breathing in the total quiet surrounding me was peaceful... and yet at the same time was really detached from all of that. I saw it, acknowledged it, felt the beauty and it gave me no joy. More of me felt apathy towards it than anything else.
I do not like this state of being. I feel more capable of suicide at moments like these then I do when I am full of pain. Feeling nothing much at all is ... " ". Perhaps when I wake after sleeping for so long, I bring my subconscious with me. Thus the "still feels like a dream", and "everything is kind of fuzzy", and "it is hard to perform mundane actions that normally are easy" feelings. I felt this way a great deal when I was recovering from the accident. Nothing seemed real. I didn't feel anything emotionally most of the time. Which is strange because I felt so much pain in the body, but emotionally I was just flatline.
I was thinking that working, cleaning house, watching movies, hanging out are all just distraction tactics to divert me from the knowledge that life is empty. Emotions are distraction tactics to divert me from the knowledge that life is empty. They give me seeming purpose and feeling to keep me from this state of being. Living this way feels like not living at all. If I felt this way all the time I would not wish to keep going.
So, I shall sit here and wait for blessed hormone fluctuations so that I may feel again and feel alive again. Right now, I know that life goes on with or without me. I feel like a ghost. |
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