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Akasha Damiana

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All the Ropes Ended Here [Jun. 3rd, 2005|06:50 am]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]
[Current Music |haujobb Nature's Interface]

Kept having these visions, of all these ropes coming from my past leading to now, where they all converged into a single one and then ended. I am in the dark and I see no future ropes.

Keep having these urges, to cut spirals into my arms and legs. I don't. I still think about it.

Keep having this urge to leave, to drive away, go somewhere far away and start all over. Then I remember that I have no money and my car is not registered, and where exactly would I walk to? I cannot outrun this pain.

The fire inside grows so dim. All that was passionate and full of life and hope is slowly rotting away in this place. Like wise beings the observers of this ghost phenomena back off so that they will not go down with it. Fading slowly out of your lives and consciousness, she goes feeling like an animal who knows it's time has come and finds a secluded corner far away to pass away and be torn asunder by scavengers. The others do not speak her name lest they call up some evil spector of a life gone awry. They go on with their lives, dreams, hopes, and passions that no longer have a place for her. She feels not much surprise that there is no attraction towards her because she no longer has anything to offer. Even the blind can see emptiness. Who is there in the darkest hour? There must be no such thing as karma, because for one who has devoted so much of her life to being there in others most desperate time of need, she looks around and see no one.

"How carelessly the bound daylight caresses
Oblivious to wandering eyes extinguished
Free me reckless with the night
Elusive scenes enkindled burst to fire
Where splendor casts umbrageous twin
And love sparks radiance
To guide the heart from within
All in search for you
Eve of brilliance
Till the morning proves indifference
For the sparks die
Leaving shadows in my vision
How dutifully the dull sunlight chastises
Adopted wings that dare arise with promise
Incandescent I represent
Pandora's uninformed enlightenment
And fears that creep about my flame
Evanesce until the dawn calls them
Home again bearing thoughts of you" Sparks by Faith and the Muse
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oh you know, the usual psuedo poetry and horoscopes [Nov. 12th, 2004|08:46 am]
Akasha Damiana
Outside I stand
barefoot and cold
smoking while contemplating...

There is this plant
that grew wild in my yard
in the midst of rocks-
within the harsh flavored environment

With no water in the drought of this land...
yet it grew the most lovely purple blue flowers

As time went on, they gradually died
and yet their skeletal form still remains-
yellow reflections of their former loveliness

As I watch each day, more of them die
and yet there are still some despite the cold
that are bright, purple, and lovely

Standing as symbolic reminders
of you and I...

there is yet still life-
At least in my yard

Read more...Collapse )

And... after writing the entry on November 11th, I found this in my email inbox... my horoscope...
for Friday, November 12:

If you've got a creepy feeling about someone or something in your love life, don't ignore it. You're much more intuitive than you give yourself credit for -- especially right now.

Coincidence?! I think not!!! *laughing*
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Letter to Reflection [Nov. 11th, 2004|04:35 am]
Akasha Damiana
I think about you now and know deep in my heart that my friend is gone. However many times I allowed you to somewhat placate me with words of cold reassurance, there was still doubt inside me. I wanted to believe you, I wanted to believe that I could trust you to tell me the truth. Instead, we have this game of you telling me everything is fine and putting off my intuition about the truth as me being overly dramatic so that you could later blame your backing away on it. Part of me knew this, part of me tried so damn hard you will never even know to not dig too deep, to not cling, to not ask for much... I didn't want to be yet another controlling manipulative woman who is only out for her own physical gratification. I didn't want to be possessive in any way, nor did I wish to be the dramatic low self esteem suffering paranoid girl who takes everything you say the wrong way. "Are you trying to say that I am fat?!" You see what I am saying, we all know these girls. Thinking of all the effort I put in to silence the voices of doubt, my intuition that told me exactly when you pulled away from me, told me of the break to come....my heart tells me now "You know him better than you think you do." My intuition was right, as your actions now prove. Take this entry as an excuse to cover any guilt you may have over being the one that ended things. Go ahead. It matters not really, because the damage has already been done. No matter how hard I tried not to want too much, not to demand much, not to ask for my needs being met except for once, no matter how careful I was about trying to never manipulate you, and no matter how hard I tried to take your feelings into account... in fact, gave your feelings and needs more priority and value than my own.... despite all these things, you pulled away anyhow. It was not just the loss of romantic aspect, it was loss of the friend that I spoke to daily for some time well before anything like that happened. You can sit there all cold and distant and say that, of course that hasn't happened... I still talk to you now and again, I am still your friend. But I know different. Alright?! I am not a fucking idiot. I never wanted you to be able to blame me for your own decision to pull away. Now you can if you would like. Just know that I know that you are being dishonest, and worse you are being manipulative. Your actions speak for themselves. My dearest friend, when you do not once initiate conversation with me in all this time since the last week of july, when you do not email me, when you do not answer me a good 80 percent if not more of the time that I message you, when you cannot have a conversation with me that consists of more than a few cold empty sentences when you do decide to grace me with your presence on the internet... these things tell me exactly where your heart lies. I know that it is nowhere near me. I served a purpose for a short time in your life and now you are done. Just like that. I FEEL the annoyance in you when you answer me now and again, I KNOW that you are just throwing me a few scraps of conversation in the hope that I will be satisfied and leave you alone for awhile. I see you every single fucking day online almost all day long, and I know that you are there, that you are open to conversation... JUST NOT WITH ME. What really fucks with me is the fact that once in a great while you sit there and pretend to have some of the old warmth, which definately feels like you wish to keep me on the backburner just in case... just in case one day you might have the unfortunate destiny of needing me again in some fashion. I am a human being with needs like you, and I need to be valued by those I hold dear. You know how I read you when you say things like "you really helped me back then, I feel grateful"... I read that like this is what you say because that is what you understand people are supposed to say in such situations. That you do not really feel it, and that if you pretend that you do then you will come off as ... oh, like a person who has deep emotions and caring for their friends maybe? You seem like a robot repeating human emotional phrases so that you can walk amongst them undetected. I am not saying that you are without emotion, I am not saying that you dont care about your friends, I am saying this is how you are with ME. You know what else I hear when you say that? A dismissal. A goodbye. "Well, thanks for back then because you helped me, but you no longer have such a place in my life." The point is I WAS valuable then, but that is not in any way an indicator of present or future value. I know that you are being insincere, so how about you do us both a favor and cut the shit? How about you be a big brave man and just flat out say... I don't want to talk to you anymore. No, you cowardly wait for me to get sick of the way you are acting so that you can be absolved of the responsibility. Well, I won't take that responsibility out of your hands. I did not wish to pull away from you, I do not wish to end our friendship, I never wanted it to be this way, I still love you, and I am still in love with you. You were the one that wished to part ways, you were the one that put all this distance between us, you are the one that rejects my attempts at lighthearted friendly communication. So, why don't you fucking stand up and say that is what you want? The funny thing is, I am doing pretty well most of the time now, I am able to accept most of this loss of you in my life. In short, I am recovering nicely from losing you as my lover friend. The thing is that I dislike this facade of "we are still friends" when you are not there in your heart. I have swallowed my anger at your coldness so many times now, and still was able to find happiness and joy in your presence and still reached out time and again in friendship. The truth is though, my dearest, that I have a lot of friends that actually like being around me, that actually like talking to me, that actually do have feelings and warmth towards me; having these kind of people in my life has given me a profound distaste for "friends" It is a slap in the face and an insult to know how little I mean to you. You, the mask wearer, reveal yourself sometime.
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(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2004|08:53 am]
Akasha Damiana
My comp was seriously fucked up recently, and as such I have lost my yahoo messenger temporarily. I managed to get my msn messenger back up. So, for all my LJ friends that I usually talk to only on Yahoo, this explains my absence. Yes, that means you Stu and David. Please bare with me, hopefully I will have my yahoo back shortly.

Keep it surreal Kittens.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2004|11:26 pm]
Akasha Damiana
I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Finally. Months after someone...

I cannot even express everything I am feeling right now. But I feel a little sad, or maybe a lot sad.

Went outside after it was over to smoke and was crying, and I saw two foxes running in the dark alley together. An automatic light came on (motion detector if you get too close it shines the light), which startled one of the foxes into running away. Then, because the dogs in the yard next to the alley saw the light they noticed the foxes, and came over to bark and act intimidating and make sure that the foxes knew who's territory they were near. The one fox that did not run in another direction and go hide just went in the same direction (although quicker than before) and went around the building to wait for it's friend. After a couple of minutes, the fox that hid figured out that the light and the barking dogs were not that much of a threat and came back around (albeight a long and windy path), to meet back up with his friend. They ran off together and I lost sight of them.

Once again cosmos, got you loud and clear. Now I think I must go cry some more.
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" _-_-_-_-____________" [Oct. 6th, 2004|09:57 am]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Mood |blankblank]
[Current Music |Old Souls Faith and the Muse]

Woke up today with the "ah, not this again" feeling. Felt drenched with a cold bucket of reality. I immediately wanted to escape. The sight of the familiar was an annoyance.

Went outside to smoke. Noticed something strange lying on the cement wall of our front yard. I walked over there and there was a plastic ball attached to a chain lying there at my feet. (My cement wall is at yard height, so it can be walked on). I looked at it in puzzlement. Wondered who put it there and why. Thought it was kind of funny, but the other extremely quiet and withdrawn part of me won over and I just said "How strange". Most people I think would just dismiss this as just a moment not worth thinking of. I am not most people. I feel everything says something. I believe that the universe communicates through symbolism. Could take it literally, and it fits. I woke up feeling that consciousness was a ball and chain. Had the actual thought a little while after that "I grow weary of consciousness".

Realized that many times before when I slept for a long time,(today it was twelve hours), that I wake up feeling this way. When I sleep for a long time I usually do not wish to return to this place, and feel a little disgusted when I do. When I sleep for a long time I start to have really vivid dreams. I lose all sense of "self", and memory of "reality". When I wake to find myself in this identity and this life again it is disorienting. I feel at times like this that life is pointless. I feel that I am walking around in a dreamlike state at this moment. Asking myself why I am here. It feels remarkably freeing to move from world to world in dreams and not have a set identity. Then I wake up in a box.

"I grow weary of this place, when will we return to transexual, huh?!" Magenta

As I stood on the cement wall in my jeans, half-shirt, and jacket I felt cold and warm at the same time. There was not a wind to speak of, and the sun was out. Facing the sun I felt warm in places, and at the same time felt cold on my feet, at my nipples, and various other strange spots that were covered by clothing and should not have felt cold. I acknowledged that this was a handy symbolic way of describing the internal state of being as well. I could acknowledge that the sun felt nice, that the tree above me was beautiful and full of seeds waiting to spring new life, that the grass was soft and beautifully colored, that stretching and breathing in the total quiet surrounding me was peaceful... and yet at the same time was really detached from all of that. I saw it, acknowledged it, felt the beauty and it gave me no joy. More of me felt apathy towards it than anything else.

I do not like this state of being. I feel more capable of suicide at moments like these then I do when I am full of pain. Feeling nothing much at all is ... " ". Perhaps when I wake after sleeping for so long, I bring my subconscious with me. Thus the "still feels like a dream", and "everything is kind of fuzzy", and "it is hard to perform mundane actions that normally are easy" feelings. I felt this way a great deal when I was recovering from the accident. Nothing seemed real. I didn't feel anything emotionally most of the time. Which is strange because I felt so much pain in the body, but emotionally I was just flatline.

I was thinking that working, cleaning house, watching movies, hanging out are all just distraction tactics to divert me from the knowledge that life is empty. Emotions are distraction tactics to divert me from the knowledge that life is empty. They give me seeming purpose and feeling to keep me from this state of being. Living this way feels like not living at all. If I felt this way all the time I would not wish to keep going.

So, I shall sit here and wait for blessed hormone fluctuations so that I may feel again and feel alive again. Right now, I know that life goes on with or without me. I feel like a ghost.
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Yesterday was cool [Oct. 3rd, 2004|12:49 pm]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Mood |bouncybouncy]
[Current Music |Erotica Madonna (yes, I really am listening to this)]


1. Talked with a girl that I see quite a bit but don't talk to more than a few words. She told me of things that she has not told anyone, and it was amazing. Found parallels in what she was saying about her life and my own. The point when she said "I don't know why I am teling you this, I haven't told anyone these things, I can't believe I am telling you this!", I knew that it was important. So, I listened carefully. In the interest of keeping private what she told me, I am not disclosing names or why it fit with my life and what is going on. Suffice it to say that it was awesome.

2. Dean played a show at a warehouse, and the crowd was wonderful. He had his first cute chick climb up on stage to dance next to him. Later, she hugged him while he was on stage, then hugged the bassist, then the lead guitarist. This proved dean and I's theory of the heirarchy of getting some when you are in a band. (I know, I know, one example doesn't prove anything...) I was happy as heck that it was not just a drunk guy which is their usual big fan. Hehe.

3. Was informed at this show by the drummer that he and I were going to have sex, and I should tell Dean that. Dean insisted that he had to give two dollars for this, and he only had one. This was funny, and cute. (Wouldn't be cute if performed by a large number of people, but he is very innocent and joking... so it was cute in this scenario.)

4. Went to the Perkins for a bite to eat. Lately, I have been bitching a LOT about the t-shirts that say "Princess" on them. Talked about it several times with numerous people. Told one guy that we all have an inner princess no matter how many times we beat her up and throw her off internal cliffs. Still expressed disgust at the princess mentality, regardless of it's shady presence deeply repressed in one's subconscious. Felt a huge need to put a quarter in a machine at perkins because it had stone bead rings in it. What comes out for me though? Let me tell you... oh this is good....I am easily amused.... It was an iron on t-shirt transfer that said "Princess". Laughed my ass off.

5. At somewhere around 4:50am, was sitting and spontaneously felt an orgasm overtake me. (Not in the genitalia, but the body orgasm that normally comes with genital induced orgasm.) It was WOW. Just sitting there minding my business when all of a sudden... deep indrawn breath, vibrations/shivers all throughout body, moaning... the works. Concluded that someone I know just got done coming and I got it vicariously. Sweet. Jack off more often please anonymous orgasm donor. (more to this story, but not sharing here.)

6. Had a wonderful conversation with Birkin that was full of shivers, tears of recognition, awe struckness, coincidence. Brought out some writing in me, and provided understanding and probably a new chapter for my book. It was deeper and fuller than I can discuss. Let us just say, fucking wow. What a night.

7. Went on to LJ and the coincidences kept coming. This was THE night of abundance. The universe was heavily communicating, and I am thankful.
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My Political Stance [Sep. 21st, 2004|11:25 pm]
Akasha Damiana
America On Bush

This is America on bush any questions
on september 11 america died of a fatal overdose of power plays
america cowers on the floor
in front of a tv blaring the face of a man
covered in sweat and an american flag
she is blind
she cannot speak
she has black bars on her breasts and her crotch
so that she is safe from herself
she trembles, one arm raised to fight off the enemies
the other holding a gun
shaky trigger finger
consumed by fear
she cannot see what threatens her
but she knows what is in front of her closed lids
a black man
a single mother
a dancing pagan holding an effigy of the goddess
a woman holding a woman
a man sporting a peace sign
people of all kinds making love
freedom, truth, tolerance, and love
all stand before her gun
walk up gently and embrace her
peel the tape off the door
and push her out
she sees the endless sky
and becomes a patriot for humanity
Jessica D. aka Akasha_damiana 2004
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aura colors [Sep. 21st, 2004|02:50 am]
Akasha Damiana
When I took the aura color test back in 2000, (which was the beginning of a major awakening), I scored equal blue/yellow, with violet and indigo being pretty equal but further down the line. I took it again a few minutes back and found that I am blue, with violet and indigo being super close, and the integration of crystal occured (which was not there in any kind of prominence at all before), with yellow moving down to where violet and indigo used to be. I attribute this to life altering event (becoming disabled), and the fact that the physical emphasis on yellow has been diminished greatly as a result. This allowed my violet and indigo to rise to prominence being much more spiritual and thought creativity based. Makes sense. The life altering event following closely in the heels of major awakening in the esoteric realm is not surprising. It feels like I was being forced to drop aspects of self that were put in place to please others so that I could focus on my true talents. It has been hard to let go of physical strength and independance, so much of my self-worth was based in this... an imposed perspective but hard to let go of. It has been hard to trust that what I am really good at is as valid as my former life skills. It has been difficult to find the courage to bare my soul by writing, and leave that open to criticism and rejection. Understand that I am aware of the positive nature of this shift, and the necessity to leave behind my physical strength so that I could become stronger spiritually. It is positive, and yet it is also challenging and sometimes feels negative and painful. Anything causing such a deep digging into one's own demons, anything requiring re-birth, anything requiring facing my biggest fears is going to be rewarding yet difficult. Did I trade my back for crystal... the empathic color? Did I give up some of my playfulness with the yellow? Was it a worthy trade? Ask me on a day when I am in so much pain and cannot get out of bed except for to go to the bathroom and require assistance walking there and I will probably look at you like you are crazy. Ask me on a day when I feel the almost indescribable feeling of ... "something big a this way comes" nudging at my soul and I will tell you "oh yes". Knowing that there is purpose, knowing that this is headed for something wonderful, knowing that I am going where I need to does not alter the fact that it is hard to live in the moment sometimes. It keeps me alive, it does not make everything easy. So many times I wearily tell my soul "fine, I'll keep going but IT better be good...", and my soul whispers back "just a little longer, just a little longer, one more push...." Until? (Next sentence from Self) "oh! we're crowning!"
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Kundalini Fire and the path before me [Sep. 14th, 2004|10:53 am]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]

I have been wishing to post these next words for a while now, and have not done so yet out of some kind of strange reluctance -feeling that the time was not yet right. I do so now with still a little bit of fear left in my heart that I am about to leap off into an abyss of accepting and being open of my nature and path that could potentially cause serious misunderstandings and a heap of shit flung at yours truly. First may I say that the three words that have always hurt me the most were these: stupid, ugly, and the all dreaded SLUT. Secondly, may I say thankyou for all those in my life especially in the last few years that have offered me encouragement, kindness, and a respect and acceptance of my opening to my own true nature which without I would never have become... well... me.

There have been many "awakenings" in my life, often many of them condensed into small periods of time, where there were significant changes within me. Changes that affected how I saw the world, and what I was capable of doing. These times I can look back and label now with the words "kundalini rising". For which I am very grateful. What I am about to disclose is the same but different, the difference being to me that kundalini rising was not as vastly powerful and disturbing as what was to come.

I look back and see that in the spring of the year 2000, I was experiencing an awakening that was bigger and stronger than anything I had ever known in my life. That changed the way I percieved the world so utterly that I do not believe that I can ever go back. Nor do I want to. Trying to explain this is so very difficult. Hard to put all these ideas into words. I believe that this was brought about by the presence of a man who was in the midst of a raging kundalini fire. One that almost took his sanity for a while. One that by desire from my very soul I was drawn to. He for lack of better words... sparked me. This is how I will refer to the transfer of awakening from now on in this post, sparked, sparking, etc... We went on a psychadelic journey, and I understood very clearly then that he was creating a path into another ...fuck! no words.... and that it was my choice to go with him and see what he could show me or not. I chose to go, and yet had the strength to always pull back if I wished, to always have a choice to not buy into anything that was before me. I did this with complete and utter joy in my heart, being cautious and yet strangely without fear. I felt very much in touch with my innermost being, and trusted implicitly the wisdom and strength of it.

(Interjection here, my computer is doing seriously weird shit as I am sitting here trying to type this. What the fuck man. The keyboard has a mind of it's own right now....)

I will continue this later as fate is conspiring to not allow this post to proceed at this moment. :) Everything in it's time....
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