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Akasha Damiana

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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2016|02:15 am]
Akasha Damiana
 Because David Hawkins is a cruel being sometimes, this post is happening.    For example: ( http://www.theonion.com/article/study-finds-all-consuming-self-pity-best-way-to-wi-36798), Sylvia has to find outlets to laugh and maintain some semblance of hope for goodness in this world.
  The Onion comes to the rescue to inject some much needed humor after inflicting terrible pain: http://www.theonion.com/article/buddhist-extremist-cell-vows-to-unleash-tranquilit-34623
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Do you ever regret your decisions? [Feb. 15th, 2015|04:35 am]
Akasha Damiana
Well now, here we are.  You have had your way, did it help?  Did you forget her, did you forget how talking with her about all the things you cannot begin to share with others made you feel?  Did you stop remembering all the desire, the need, the love, the fear?  Are you all better now?  I know you are not, I know because we are connected whether we like it or not and what you feel I catch the edge of and vice versa.  Do you think that you will make it all disappear now?  Did you rid yourself of the sin of loving more than one woman at a time?  Do you think that now your religious mother will approve of you?  Do you think that anything you ever do will make her approve of you?  Do you feel assured that now you will now longer have to face the embarrassment of having your "friends" see that you are talking to me?  :)  Does this make all the crap you talked about your girlfriend go away?  Do you feel all secure now in your relationship that you have always been unsure of, that you ran away from a year ago, that you still profess to not know if you really want it? Can you erase her, can you block her, can you delete her, can you run away from her?   You should know that she cannot run away from you.  She cannot make eleven years of being in love with you go away just because you got scared and ran away from love, again.  What she feels and has felt for eleven years is mostly loss.  Extreme loss.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Like a piece of her was missing always, every day, in every special event.  Something is incomplete, and it is her, because you are not there.  Do you get it?  Do you feel that too?  The only time that there has been peace in her soul and a feeling of completeness is when you were in her presence or talking to her and she could feel your love.  This has been a constant stream of hurt that has only been alleviated by you and your love, kindness, attention.  You worry about the power others hold over you, while you do not understand all the power that you have had over me and US this whole time.  This fucked up invisible thread of destiny that will not let her be no matter how much she pleads ties her to you always.  All there is left now is pain and loss that feels like it will never end, ever, ever.  May our karma be resolved in this life time love, and if not then I look forward to when we are both finished with this life and I get to meet you soul to soul and trade experiences so that I can finally know why the fuck you are doing this.   The never ending heart ache began when I first looked in your eyes and fell in love, and it will never end because you have decided I will never see those eyes again in this life.  
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July 4th 2004 The light that is the reflection [Aug. 7th, 2014|06:02 pm]
Akasha Damiana
Distort my vision
till all I see is you
Trembling and bare
cous cous is good
Random thoughts invading

Tomorrow I will look
and laugh
and blush
Was a year ago this day
when I first felt the intense
The flirting
with life
and I felt such guilt
as I semi do now.

Tell me you're hard
and I will float in waves

Seems so surreal
that so much has transpired
when I still see
that face in front of me
holding the sparklers
brilliant diatribe abounding
averting gaze so as not to
look at me.

When you asked if I would
like to see what is private
and I in all seriousness and
trembling boldness said
What I would give to be inside your head
in that moment.
Tsing Dao
The Gods look down and laugh
at fragile beginnings
and futile searches
and lust so divine

I am mine
and you may have a slice.
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I would like to Believe [Jul. 5th, 2014|05:04 pm]
Akasha Damiana
I would like to believe that I have some value besides what is between my legs, that even if I cannot fuck you or service your cock for you in some other fashion, that I still have something to add to your life with my presence.  I would like to believe that I have value as a friend and a person who cares, even if due to circumstances we cannot boink.  I have felt so very fucking used, over and over, just used.  I cannot bear this bullshit, I am crumbling, and I will tell no one but this page that no one reads anymore anyways that I can no longer deal with this world where all I am worth is what I can give to others but to never expect to get the same.  I have had to fight for equality in relationships, and have mostly lost the fight.  I have been assured that I am not worth what I am expected to give.  I am struggling to heal, and I feel so discouraged because I have tried every stupid healing fad and every allopathic medicine fad and nothing is making it better. I reach out to other people trying to heal, and I face rejection and worse.  I want to heal my sexual person, and I find rape.  I need people that care about me, really truly know and love me to be here.  Most of the people closest to me are miles away, and my arms feel just so fucking empty.     I feel like I am covered in scars, inside and out,  and so very ugly from everything that has been.  I am stained and weary, and so tired in my soul that all I think lately is "I give up, I give up, I give up, I give up."   Every little bit of joy that can come out of life is being milked for all it is worth over here, and it is just not enough because the pain overcomes everything else.  I just give up.
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Discharge the heart particles for maximum honesty [Nov. 14th, 2013|08:25 pm]
Akasha Damiana
There are so many things I have wanted to say for ten years now, and maybe the time has come to let it all out.

I have figured out in the nine years that we have been apart that I had experienced for the first and only time in my life that rare entity known as "Love at first sight".  I did not believe it existed, and I was still dubious until this last year when I found out that the chemical changes in self that distinguish the "being in love" state can happen that quickly.  Not only that, but the "in love" state of being will normally last two years barring a nasty break up, but that this time can be extended greatly by distance being a part of the relationship.  This helped me a bit, as I felt so out of sorts and quite frankly irrational and silly a lot for the way I felt.  I am used to dating a person for a month or two before such a thing is engaged in my person, so I never expected that I would fall in love with you in a matter of seconds after first looking you in the eye.  It was almost, no it WAS recognition.  I know you, I knew you then, and some part of my conscious being knew that this was to be and when the moment came for us to finally meet in this life, this soul needed but a moment to remember that you were going to be very, very important.   I feel a little less goofy and embarrassed when I realize that this whole being in love thing makes every person behave differently than normal, and that I should not feel ashamed for what is a normal human experience.  A human experience that every person longs for, and a part of being a human with good reason.

 The in love feeling never fully went away, just became very quiet and hid from the non-accepting conscious mind.  The longing never ended, the desire to tell you all about the cool new spiritual information I came across, the desire to share your days with you, the desire to hear your voice, the desire to be your lover finally.   It has been with me now for ten years, the desire to be your lover in a way that has been denied to us all along.  What I truly felt when we were together before:  I was in love with you for over a year when we finally were more intimate than friends in March nine years ago.  I stated back then that I felt you were my soul mate, and when I went to a therapist several months ago to be put deeply under, my sub conscious stated then again that you were my soul mate. (For the sake of clarity, what I said in full was that both you and my husband now are my soul mates.  I argued quite some time with my own mind about that, but the answer kept coming up the same.) (Yes, my husband knows about this.  My husband knows about all of these feelings I have, because when he started dating me I was still married and in an open relationship.) The way I feel about you romantically is unique in my experience.  You became my muse, as I never before felt the need to document the entire process of falling in love and to write such intimate and personal things to you.  Your presence, your being inspired so much desire that it has lasted for a decade.  Never before, and never after did I write the kind of things that I wrote for you.  I have several writings that are all about you, many of them here and some in notebooks.

 You know why you lost me, why I never "chose" you? It was because I never knew that I was wanted.  I chased you, chased you, talked to you, messaged you, told you of my desire in the most revealing manner I could have, want you always, thinking of you every day for years....  What have I had from you to tell me of your feelings?  I have no idea if I am desired or wanted enough because you never seemed to care one way or the other if you talked to me or not.  I NEED you to show me that I am WANTED, that YOU want MY company, that I am interesting and it hurts to be away from me.  I never thought I could leave my ex husband for you, because I thought you would not want me besides in very small doses once in a very great while.  I need you to be the vulnerable one now, because all of my life I have been desired less and loved less than I loved and desired.  That is not a self-pitying statement, they broke up with me and I was still in love with them.  I know how little I was needed, wanted, or loved.  I cannot keep running around making you feel needed and desired at the expense of my own self dignity.  At this point, I only feel like a burden and annoyance to you.   Unwanted.  Again.    I need to know that I am loved, and I can only tell when the words match the actions.  I understand that we cannot be together physically, I am speaking of you being the one to reach out to me now and again.   Take a few minutes of your time to write me, to call me- first.  It is what I have needed from you all along, the knowledge that this love was evenly balanced.  I know what I can reasonably expect from you is limited, as is what can be expected of me.
  Thinking it over, I keep coming back to that I do not want to harm anyone and really do want what is best for all of us.  So much that I find it hard to ask the universe for what I want so much, because I do not know if that situation would be the best for you.  Which has just led to me repeatedly saying to the universe that I want it to give everyone what would make them the happiest and be the highest path they could take.  If this friendship that is so distant is what is best, I am prepared to accept it.  Just really wish we communicated more, because it brings me joy and always did.
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more pictures [Apr. 20th, 2009|02:09 am]
Akasha Damiana


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back online [Apr. 18th, 2009|07:02 am]
Akasha Damiana
Zikia two front teeth
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Expecting !!! [May. 21st, 2008|03:28 pm]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Location |moms place yo!]
[Current Mood |giddygiddy]

  Well, for those of you that do not know yet,  Benji and I are expecting a baby boy this October 20th.  I will try to get an ultrasound pic up here soon, (that is if I can remember how to put up pics!).  He is currently 9 ounces and has some fricking big feet man!  We just found out today that our baby has a johnson, so we do not have any names picked out yet, but now we can buy clothes and stuff!   Yeah!!  I quit smoking after 20 years thanks to this baby, and that is going well.  

  Also, I have braces on these teeth of mine so now Iook like a knocked up 16 year old nerd!  He he.  

   Everyone else at the house (animal children) are doing well, our seven month old kitty brought back her first bird this last weekend, and then another one the next day.  (Our cat can climb trees!)  Between the three cats, they have brought home all kinds of creatures (including snakes, giant earth worms, giant grasshoppers, mice, birds, moths, and assorted bees, spiders and flies.  Gross.  

 Well that is all for now because I must get going, got babies to feed.  :)
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hola mi amigas [Jan. 15th, 2008|11:19 pm]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Mood |cheerfulcheerful]

As it has been years since I took spanish class,  I may have spelled that wrong.  What the f is up with this suddenly slanted writing?  Perhaps I just should have had a v-8 today.  Still no internet at home so I am sending this via mom's computer.  Just thought I would update a little as I have been MIA for quite sometime.  

1.  Love life is great.
2.  Just sent off last two kittens to new home.  There was five kittens in all in my house as of recently thanks to a young cat we have.  Now I have Brownie cat, Cookie kitten (brownie's daughter), and Jezebel.  Koho my dog is getting on in years and recently had a stroke or something because his left eye is droopy. Other than that he is doing well as always.  Also harboring three mice who needed political asylum from the empty house they were found at.  Will be setting them free in new field sometime soon.
3.  Got my disability, so now I can kind of pay my bills. kind of.
4.  Working on some serious detoxification to see if I can clear several problems at once: endometriosis, IBS, rhuemetoid arthritis, interstitial cystitis, Wilson's syndrome, allergies, asthma, weight gain due to bc ring, insomnia, muscle pain, and lesions on my brain.  All of these things are interestingly related, and therefore there is help to be found with a very good detoxification and then herbal supplements for remaining problems.   I sincerely hope that by this time next year I will feel much better all around.  I have already lost ten pounds and feel slightly better.
5.  Busy learning as much as possible.  That means lots and lots of reading.
6.  Writing here and there for books and poetry.
7.  This last summer I pushed real hard and as a result:  I made my first ever herb and vegetable garden; babysat a little bit; painted a storage shed in my back yard, did physical therapy for four months; filled out mountains of paperwork; went and got molds and xrays done so that I may get braces, went camping, etc...   My herb garden wasn't the snazziest but I learned ( I learned how much F-ing work goes into it!).  My shed looks rather nice if I may say, learned that the proper tools make all the difference in the world about how hard something is and the end result.  Was really scared of physical therapy due to horrible experience with HealthSouth, but it was actually good and I accomplished more than I had hoped.  Learned to walk again with my feet facing foward instead of to sides.  I also got a tens unit which helps with localized pain episodes.  Should get braces on soon.  Camping was not long enough, but still good.  I studied so much on herbs and edible wild life that I was able to identify several medicinal herbs that grow naturally in my yard and that was pretty cool.
8.  Lest I forget,  last year I also got to help my cat give birth and then a month or so later, I helped the neighbor's dog have her litter of 7 puppies.  She had most of them breech so I helped her pass them, get them cleaned off, and pinched the umbilical cords as this was her first litter and a couple of them she chewed a little too close.  I know it sounds kind of gross to be dealing with all the blood, amniotic fluid, birthsacs, and placentas but it was actually quite beautiful and fullfilling.   It is satisfying in an indescribable way to help bring new life into this world and care for both the babies and the mommas.
9.  So, all in all, very happy times! 

     Hope all of you are doing well too!

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The incredible disappearing and then reappearing not as dramatically as one could hope Akasha [Dec. 28th, 2005|06:37 pm]
Akasha Damiana
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |surprisingly none]

I just now got my internet back up folks. It has been a crazy time for yours truly. Some highlights include:

1. Lost afformentioned nightclub business. Totally fucked financially.

2. Getting divorced.

3. Trying very hard to get money making endevours underway so that I may support myself despite disabled non working status.

4. Have a boyfriend (although I call him "evil temptress" as opposed to boyfriend)

5. Lost my house, will have to move as of January 17th, therefore will be busy as fuck trying to get all this shit organized and packed. No idea where I will go yet. That is LAME.

6. Found out my application for disability was denied nine motherfucking months ago, and SS never bothered to tell me. Therefore, my appeal time went up, which means that I could have been collecting my disability for months now... but no... they fucked me big time. Having a heck of a time getting any financial assistance from these organizations. It is a wonder that more people don't starve to death in this state. It now takes one month just to get an appointment to get food stamps. Just to get an appointment to talk to someone to see if you qualify. So, word to the wise, if you are going to be poor anytime soon... somehow you better know it well in advance so that you do not starve. In other words, develop those psychic powers people!

So there you go, a short explanation for my long absence. I will write more later, but for now I must go and try to sort through the nine million emails I am sure have been building up in my box. Hugs and kisses to all save for the smelly people. ;) For them I reserve a wave and friendly smile from a distance. He he.
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