|Discharge the heart particles for maximum honesty
||[Nov. 14th, 2013|08:25 pm]
There are so many things I have wanted to say for ten years now, and maybe the time has come to let it all out.|
I have figured out in the nine years that we have been apart that I had experienced for the first and only time in my life that rare entity known as "Love at first sight". I did not believe it existed, and I was still dubious until this last year when I found out that the chemical changes in self that distinguish the "being in love" state can happen that quickly. Not only that, but the "in love" state of being will normally last two years barring a nasty break up, but that this time can be extended greatly by distance being a part of the relationship. This helped me a bit, as I felt so out of sorts and quite frankly irrational and silly a lot for the way I felt. I am used to dating a person for a month or two before such a thing is engaged in my person, so I never expected that I would fall in love with you in a matter of seconds after first looking you in the eye. It was almost, no it WAS recognition. I know you, I knew you then, and some part of my conscious being knew that this was to be and when the moment came for us to finally meet in this life, this soul needed but a moment to remember that you were going to be very, very important. I feel a little less goofy and embarrassed when I realize that this whole being in love thing makes every person behave differently than normal, and that I should not feel ashamed for what is a normal human experience. A human experience that every person longs for, and a part of being a human with good reason.
The in love feeling never fully went away, just became very quiet and hid from the non-accepting conscious mind. The longing never ended, the desire to tell you all about the cool new spiritual information I came across, the desire to share your days with you, the desire to hear your voice, the desire to be your lover finally. It has been with me now for ten years, the desire to be your lover in a way that has been denied to us all along. What I truly felt when we were together before: I was in love with you for over a year when we finally were more intimate than friends in March nine years ago. I stated back then that I felt you were my soul mate, and when I went to a therapist several months ago to be put deeply under, my sub conscious stated then again that you were my soul mate. (For the sake of clarity, what I said in full was that both you and my husband now are my soul mates. I argued quite some time with my own mind about that, but the answer kept coming up the same.) (Yes, my husband knows about this. My husband knows about all of these feelings I have, because when he started dating me I was still married and in an open relationship.) The way I feel about you romantically is unique in my experience. You became my muse, as I never before felt the need to document the entire process of falling in love and to write such intimate and personal things to you. Your presence, your being inspired so much desire that it has lasted for a decade. Never before, and never after did I write the kind of things that I wrote for you. I have several writings that are all about you, many of them here and some in notebooks.
You know why you lost me, why I never "chose" you? It was because I never knew that I was wanted. I chased you, chased you, talked to you, messaged you, told you of my desire in the most revealing manner I could have, want you always, thinking of you every day for years.... What have I had from you to tell me of your feelings? I have no idea if I am desired or wanted enough because you never seemed to care one way or the other if you talked to me or not. I NEED you to show me that I am WANTED, that YOU want MY company, that I am interesting and it hurts to be away from me. I never thought I could leave my ex husband for you, because I thought you would not want me besides in very small doses once in a very great while. I need you to be the vulnerable one now, because all of my life I have been desired less and loved less than I loved and desired. That is not a self-pitying statement, they broke up with me and I was still in love with them. I know how little I was needed, wanted, or loved. I cannot keep running around making you feel needed and desired at the expense of my own self dignity. At this point, I only feel like a burden and annoyance to you. Unwanted. Again. I need to know that I am loved, and I can only tell when the words match the actions. I understand that we cannot be together physically, I am speaking of you being the one to reach out to me now and again. Take a few minutes of your time to write me, to call me- first. It is what I have needed from you all along, the knowledge that this love was evenly balanced. I know what I can reasonably expect from you is limited, as is what can be expected of me.
Thinking it over, I keep coming back to that I do not want to harm anyone and really do want what is best for all of us. So much that I find it hard to ask the universe for what I want so much, because I do not know if that situation would be the best for you. Which has just led to me repeatedly saying to the universe that I want it to give everyone what would make them the happiest and be the highest path they could take. If this friendship that is so distant is what is best, I am prepared to accept it. Just really wish we communicated more, because it brings me joy and always did.